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Article, DVD, Horror, Movie Review, Random, Rant

Films I’ve Looked At For 2 Hours With My Eyes

Haywire (2011)
haywire

OK, so Gina Carano was the only reason I watched this and she didn’t disappoint, she’s proven she can act with this film and will only get better, she looks great kicking peoples heads in, as she should considering how much arse she kicks in real life.

But, it suffers from not having a plot…I don’t demand much story from my action movies, but this just felt like one giant McGuffin…I didn’t really know, or care about what was going on. And even though it seems like it has an all star cast its pretty much just an extended cameo fest. And Ewan McGregor should NEVER be hired to play anyone but a Scot, because he’s shit at accents. Shit.

Add on to that the mixed style of the movie, one minute it’s a cool, stylish chase movie, with the typical jazzy David Holmes score and the next it’s a stripped down “realistic” action movie where the fight scenes are void of score (because that means its gritty folks) and all the sound effects sound like a wet fish being slapped over Bruce Willis’s head. I HATE “realistic” sound effects in fight scenes, give me the sound of a melon being hit with a sledge hammer any day. If I wanted realism I’d watch two twats on YouTube fighting over a parking space or on a bus. No-one watches action films for realism.

So to sum up, I do look forward to more from Gina Carano because let’s be honest, there are no real genuine female action stars anymore, women who can genuinely pull it off, most of them are in semi-retirement or don’t really make action movies anymore. So yeah, ‘mon the Carano.

X Men: First Class (2011)
xmenfc

Thoroughly enjoyed it, especially Michael Fassbender as Magneto…and I managed to not be annoyed by James McAvoy too. Sir, you are now forgiven for starring in that piece of shit, Wanted.

Also, I’d forgotten that Jennifer Lawrence played Mystique…so that was a bonus. Mmm, MMM!… Yes, since I became a single man again a few months back I seem to have regressed back to my 14 year old mindset and started letting my penis review movies.

And speaking of my penis….Let’s talk about Beast. I wasn’t too fond of the look they gave Beast, he looked too cuddly and designed to sell toys at Christmas. But, a small quibble as I did enjoy Nicolas Hoult as McCoy.

So yes, I really enjoyed it and thought Kevin Bacon was superb too…but then again, I’d think Bacon was superb in a mobile phone advert….In fact, I do!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Next Generation (1996)
tcmng

So, I’ve put off watching this for years…purely because of how bad i’d always heard it was. And I know you shouldn’t let other folks opinions sway you from watching a movie, but I love the first 3 Chainsaws, and even though some fan reaction from the first two sequels is mixed I haven’t come across one person that likes The Next Generation.

And now that I’ve seen it i’m not surprised. It’s terrible, and once again strengthens my theory that the original ‘Chain saw’ was a right time/right place/right people scenario. Look at Tobe Hooper’s filmography, nothing ever came close to that movie. And here you’ve got the writer of the original, writing and directing this movie. And in no way does it seem apparent that anyone from the original ‘Chain saw’ had anything to do with it. The writing is horrible…One teen witnesses a guy get his neck snapped by a member of the family, runs for his life and is chased. Then once he’s out of breath calmly says “Stop it, you’re scaring me”…I know it’s a horror movie and these characters aren’t geniuses but who the fuck reacts like that?

Then you’ve got the random addition of some shady government guys who appear at the house, lick Renee Zellwegger’s face for a bit and leave…only to reappear in the last five minutes to give Zellwegger a lift to the hospital. What the fuck is all that about? Is there a 2 hour work print lying in a vault somewhere that explains this incredibly random sub plot? There are hints that one of the members of the family works as a killer for the FBI (eh!?) or something but…why the fuck do they turn up again at the end?

I did like the WE Sawyer character, who speaks in quotes, he was quite amusing. Leatherface on the other hand is a disaster…all he does is fucking scream like he’s auditioning to be the lead singer in a shitty black metal band. And then goes full on transvestite during the 3rd act…the complete opposite of the subtle female mask and make up that he wore at the end of the original. “Oh lets put him in a dress, that’ll be fucked up”…it’ll be fucking stupid.

As for the very last scene where we get cameos from John Dugan, Paul Partain and Marilyn Burns from the original…well that’s all the scene is there for, to get cameos. They’re not clever, they’re just shoe horned in there. And when Zellwegger looks at Burns strangely and goes into a trance, the film ends. If Burns is indeed supposed to be playing Sally, then it’s quite nice in a way, two surviving females having a moment…but if the audience had no idea who it was then it just leaves you baffled. Hell, I knew who it was and I was still baffled by the ending, just because of the way it was executed.

So yeah, half a star for WE Sawyer and half a star for Renee Zellwegger looking cute in her nerdy glasses.

So yeah, its awesome I highly recommend it…

Discussion

2 thoughts on “Films I’ve Looked At For 2 Hours With My Eyes

  1. There was originally a 95 minute version of this film titled ‘Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (no, really), which was shelved after a limited release. It was re-cut when RZ and MM became famous, and reissued in the 86 min version that exists today. Whether the original cleared up any of the unanswered questions, who knows? (who cares?)

    I’ll wager it’s still a bucket of arse clap.

    Posted by Jeffman | March 16, 2013, 7:34 pm
    • Oh i’m sure it is haha. I’ve read that the main differences between the two different cuts are a few extra bits of dialogue and an opening scene with Zellwegger and her stepfather or something.

      The trailer for “Return” is on the original Chainsaw DVD…a really roughly edited trailer which just makes it look even shoddier.

      Posted by Snoog | March 16, 2013, 7:41 pm

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